1) A finished spray bottle of Imitation Febreeze purchased from Dollar General.
2) Black pepper condiment packets, collected from various fast food establishments (even ones in which nothing was purchased).
3) Tepid tap water, preferably slightly cloudy in appearance as it comes out the faucet.
4) The following assorted miscellaneous items: Google, printer, scissors and tape. (Note: Tape can be any type of alcohol–does not have to be Scotch.)
It’s pretty much self-explanatory, but just in case…
1) Fill the recycled, borderline trademark-infringing, spray bottle with the water that makes New York City bagels great; make sure nozzle is set to “OFF.”
2) Tear open pepper packets (carefully, so as not to aggravate Carpal Tunnel Syndrome) and slowly add; avoid sneezing and gently shake bottle, until bits of pepper are fully incorporated.
3. Google picture of 90s rapper, Ma$e, and print; cut picture down just enough to cover label that reads “DG Home / Odor Eliminator / Extra Strength / Compare to Febreeze Extra Strength”; tape, or glue, picture to spray bottle.
4. Return nozzle to Armed Setting of choice–Stream or Mist–and prominently place spray bottle in an easily accessible area of your home.