Earhustling – Vol I

The Listener: An extraterrestrial being assigned to monitor EARth, tasked with the mission of EARhustling the conversations and comments of the human species in their natural habitats. He hEARs everything, everywhere.

EARhustling (verb): eavesdropping, essentially.

Daughter: I could be dying and y’all won’t pick up the phone.

Mom: I be at work.

Daughter: I could have a gun to my head and be calling–

Mom: Well make sure they don’t put a gun to your head, while I’m at work.

Chinese Restaurant (Harlem, NY)
  • “When we started dating he said he was 5’8, but he’s definitely 5’7.”
  • “You don’t understand what I go through, chained to a desk all day.”
  • “My boyfriend is in jail. But Kevin said as soon as he get out, he gonna fuck one of these punk muthafuckas up for bothering me.”
  • “My ex-husband is from Rochester.”
  • “Get some rest, cuz you know family don’t know how to act when it come down to funerals.”
  • “I like it, but I don’t like it. I’m trying to find a happy medium.”
  • “Bruce Lee broke a bone in his back. I broke that same bone.”
  • “Tell him I said, Gimme a hundred dollars and I’ll get him certified as a mental health counselor; there’s a test online, and I got all the answers.”
  • “You can’t call Prince gay; you can call him FLAMBOYANT.”
  • “Don’t put no bell peppers in curry chicken. Don’t do it!”

Scene: Two family members, who were smoking a blunt together, react to sudden appearance of two police vehicles.

Uncle: I put it out. It’s by the bush.

Niece: But you gotta clear the air.

Uncle: CLEAR THE AIR? The air is clear. This ain’t The Bronx.

Marcus Garvey Park (Harlem)

The E-Files

(The EARhustling-Files)


Setting: McDonald’s

Customer: Let me get two mayo, two ketchup, and salt ‘n pepper.

Employee: (In disbelief) Why you need… You ordered COFFEE.

Customer: (Irate) Keep it! [Storms off.]

Me: (Next in line) Let me get a *coffee.

*Purchased so security won’t bother me for loitering, as I use free WiFi and eat cookies I bought at Duane Reade.


Setting: Men’s Restroom *cellphone on speaker*

Barbara: I don’t like that. I’m calling, “Gary, Gary, Gary,” and you don’t even hear me. Your temper. Now I never turned my back on you, but I will cut you off–period–if you end up back in jail. I will change my number and be finished! The devil is trying to put you back where you came from. You gonna risk going to jail over your temper? You need to tell him, “Leave me alone, in the name of Jesus.” Walk away. But your temper, Gary. You a good person, but you got this demon in you. Do you know I was lying in bed one night and I asked God, “How long, God? How long is he gonna keep going in and out of jail?”

Gary: I apologize, Barbara. I’m not going back to jail. I got it. It’s not gonna happen again. It’s not gonna happen.

Barbara: Oh yes it is! You’re going back to jail, Gary. Your temper. You arguing with that person and sounding like you going at them. They coulda locked you up right there.

Gary: I’m not going back to jail, Barbara. The guy was going at me.

Barbara: I don’t wanna hear it. I’m going to see my preacher. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. To God be the glory, I’m praying for you.

Gary: That’s not fair, Barbara.

Barbara: You know, God saw fit for me to call you now. I wasn’t gonna call you until this afternoon. But then I was looking for the picture of you in the new outfit, and I called you because I couldn’t find where you sent it.

Gary: Your pictures are in Your Gallery, Barbara.

Barbara: I don’t have no gallery, dumbass.

Gary: Okay, Baby. Whatever you say. Look, I will come over there and find all the pictures and–

Barbara: No, stay where you at. I will go down to Verizon after church. They got nice people down there.

Gary: I’m trying to help, Barbara.

Barbara: Help by not going back to jail.

Gary: I told you, Barbara, I’m not going back to jail.

Barbara: Yes you are!

Gary: Barbara, calm down.

Barbara: I can’t calm down!

Gary: Baby, please–

Barbara: I will call you back when I calm down.

Gary: Barbara.. Barbara…Barbara? [Calls Barbara back.]

Barbara: What is it now, Gary?

Gary: Baby, I just called you back to tell you, “I love you.”

Barbara: You going back to jail, Gary.

Surrounded by the THIN bathroom stall walls that some like to write on.

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