HOW TO GET DRUNK (A HEAVY, LIGHT DRINKER’S ADVICE)
Full Disclosure: A shot of sangria is enough to make me woozy. And my idea of getting lit is one full glass of Roscato wine or a nip bottle of Grey Goose vodka diluted by 32-ounces of Arizona watermelon-flavored imitation juice drink. If I’m seeking a middle ground—a buzz or just a lil bit of tipsy to take the edge off—I’ll spike my BBQ sauce with some Jack Daniel’s.
Someone close to me recently “got drunk.” This concerns me, especially when it happens in public. Something else happened too, the person I’m concerned about experienced some sort of betrayal. I don’t know the details, but I heard the rhetorical question this person asked: Do I have a problem picking friends?
“Got drunk” and “problem picking friends,” mentioned in the same conversational span, is like messing with that dark liquor: nothing but trouble.
My first bit of advice on how to get drunk is—don’t get drunk. My second is to be mindful of your company, if you’re going to put yourself in a position of diminished capacity and extreme vulnerability. If you’re going to ignore my advice and get drunk anyway, you better damn well do it alongside people you can count on to get you home safe.
The title of this message is misleading. My apologies. I’m more concerned with not getting drunk than how to get drunk—because there’s no good way to do it. Getting drunk is like getting in the cage with the wild animal at the zoo; it’s a good and exciting time until the consequences bite you.
Maybe I’ll retitle this: “how to ensure safety before getting drunk,” or maybe “a sober approach to inebriated danger,” or maybe “handling dark liquor according to OSHA regulations,” or maybe “tequila: pre-planning for the aftermath.” The Universe confirmed this retitling realization with something I overheard on Victory Boulevard, in front of a new barbershop: a man, who felt his hair was too long, was telling a friend (who was illegally parked in the bus stop lane) about last night—what had happened after going out drinking two days ago—and he said:
I need someone to be responsible for me when I go out.
So go out, pop bottles, if you must. But know your limit. And do not exceed it. As a general rule, your limit is the point that you pass on the way to calling Chuck.
Sidenote: If you insist on getting drunk, wear cheap footwear that you don’t mind chucking away—because trajectory and tradition dictates that most of the vomit will land on your feet.
In closing, a scripture inspired me to write this message of concern. Initially, it was only meant to remain in my thoughts. But it was brought out by one of my spiritual practices: reading a daily chapter of Proverbs that numerically corresponds to the calendar day. So today, on the 20th, in verse one of Proverbs 20 (NKJV) it reads:
Strong drink is a brawler,
And whoever is led astray by it is not wise.
What the proverb-writer is trying to say is, it always starts off with everybody in the club getting tipsy, but it ultimately ends with a “choose wisely” decision: Last call for alcohol? Or get so lit you blackout and blame it on the alcohol? Should you choose the later, make sure to plan accordingly. Remember the Five P’s—not the ones that go Patron, Port wine, Parrot Bay, Peach Schnapps and Pinot Grigio, but the other five: Proper – Preparation – Prevents – Post-traumatic – Pain.