IMPORTANT: In order to properly prepare this dish, you must feel genuinely lonely. Lonely like a clam separated from the sea. If you do not possess the prerequisite loneliness, you will not end up with the dish known as “Lonely Clam Pasta”; you will simply be left with normal pasta. Note, any sort of lonely will do; it can be kids going off to college lonely, missing the money the IRS took out of your check lonely, the not having the desires of your heart answered lonely, any type of lonely as long as it has some sincere loneliness to it. If you are struggling to summon up the necessary feeling of being lonely, you may want to try this motivational technique: watch cooking shows, in which amazingly delicious and mouthwatering dishes are prepared—dishes beyond the means of your present reality to ever eat.

– Big pot of oiling water, salted with Pink Himalayan salt
– One pound package of pasta (Penne is used for this recipe)
– Extra Virgin Olive Oil
– Butter (preferably not expired)
– All Natural Clam Juice (purchased because it had a drastically slashed down sale price and not because you had any idea of what the heck to use it for)
– Seasonings (garlic powder, white & black pepper, lemon pepper, red pepper flakes)
– Some pasta water reserved to thicken sauce

1) Bring pink-salted water to a rapid boil.
2) Add pasta; cook al dente according to instructions.
3) Reserve about half a cup of cooking water before draining pasta. Run cool water over pasta to stop overcooking, drain again.
4) Sautee pasta in EVOO and butter; add reserved pasta water and ¾ cup of quality clam juice. Stir well.
5) Add desired seasonings—assorted pepper, garlic powder.
6) Stir over medium-low heat until sauce thickens; top with grated parmesan cheese.

POST-MEAL NOTE: This meal will not make you feel less lonely, but it will leave you feeling rested after you wake up from your carb-induced nap.

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